First Parish Unitarian UniversalistLoving Kindness
A sermon preached by the Reverend Diane Teichert
First Parish Unitarian Universalist - Canton, MA
December 15, 2002
At its best, Christmas connotes, evokes, celebrates loving kindness. It’s implicit in the warm cozy images, at fireside with friends and family, the romance of plenty and of peace at Christmastime. Recall the lines from our opening hymn,
The peace not past our understanding falls
like light upon the soft white tablecloth
At supper warm between four walls,
a thing too simple to be tried as truth.
Not scholar’s calm, nor gift of church or state,
nor everlasting date of death’s release;
But careless noon, the houses lighted late,
harvest and holiday: the people’s peace.
Days into years, the doorways worn at sill,
years into lives, the plans for long increase
come true at last for those of God’s good will:
these are the things we mean by saying, Peace.
The simple pleasures of winter like candlelight suppers in warm houses cannot be bequeathed by church or state—not even by income or even necessarily by family custom—rather, they are what we each create in our lives by being of good will. The people’s peace, the peace that does not passeth understanding, is loving kindness.
Yet, of all times of the year, this is the one in which many of us experience the opposite of the people’s peace. We experience instead people’s pace: frenetic, frantic even. Somehow, many of us expect ourselves to add to our already normally busy lives—at least I do—more shopping, more cooking, more visiting, more partying, cleaning, crafting, decorating, card sending, more of just about everything… and we wonder why we feel stressed?
I used to admire the people who took a vacation day sometime in December to accomplish some of that “more” that would otherwise be squeezed in at night and on weekends, making them and their kids, if they had kids, crazy. But, despite my admiration, I don’t think we ever did it.
Most parents know the truth of the saying in our Wayside Pulpit outside on the front lawn right now, “your children need your presence more than your presents.” It’s true even—maybe especially—at this time of year.
And, it’s also true that, at this time of year, in some of our extended families, the presence of certain people is the last present we want. In their presence, we experience tension, hurt feelings, discord, bad memories—all sorts of unpleasant un-loving, un-kindnesses that we would be merrier without.
At Christmastime, or at any time, we cannot expect to change the people in our extended families whose presence is no present to us. We cannot expect to change their values or their ways of communicating. We can only change ourselves.
In our own households and here at First Parish, we can’t expect to change people, either. But, at home and in this religious community, we do expect loving kindness from others, don’t we? It’s in the vows between spouses or partners. It’s in the promise parents make when a new child arrives in the family. It’s in the Covenant of this congregation that we recite every Sunday. It’s even in the covenant that the leaders of the parish adopted this fall, which calls for communicating with “respect and kindness.”
Evidently, at home and in religious community, we are more clear about our intention toward loving kindness than is necessarily the case in our extended families, or in our workplaces, for that matter. In our homes and in congregational life, we articulate and try to uphold in our behavior towards one another values and ways of communicating that promote loving kindness. The purpose of vows and covenants is not only to point toward an ideal of loving kindness toward which to strive, but also to provide reason to call someone to a higher standard when they fall short.
When someone communicates in an unkind or hurtful way, the web of relationships in home or congregational life is harmed. In web that strives to be a healthy one, such communication is not accepted. Rather, it is challenged, by re-asserting the vows or covenants and by reminding the persons involved: “that’s not how we’ve agreed to speak to one another here.” Often, it is not easy to speak up against the hurtful interaction at the time, but the sense of community is definitely diminished when we don’t. Being sure of the meaning and importance of the covenants made helps, so does knowing and loving oneself because therein lies the strength to speak up for what is right.
There is no sure protection against the unpleasant presence, whether in the home, the congregation, the extended family or the workplace, but as Gandhi once said, though in a different context, “be the change you want to see in the world.”
Or as was written by Jon Kabat-Zinn,
If I become a center of love and kindness in this moment, then in a perhaps small but hardly insignificant way, the world now has a nucleus of love and kindness it lacked the moment before. This benefits me and it benefits others. (p. 162).
He goes on,
You may have noticed that you are not always a center of love and kindness, even toward yourself. In fact, in our society, one might speak of an epidemic of low self-esteem. In conversations with the Dalai Lama…he did a double-take when a Western psychologist spoke of low self-esteem. The phrase had to be translated several times for him into Tibetan, although his English is quite good. He just couldn’t grasp the notion of low self-esteem, and when he finally understood… he was visibly saddened to hear that so many people in America carry deep feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy. (163).
Kabat-Zinn says those feelings are virtually unknown in Tibet and wonders, “Maybe we [Americans] are overdeveloped outwardly and underdeveloped inwardly. Perhaps it is we who, for all our wealth, are living in poverty.” (163)
He suggests that we take steps to rectify this poverty through loving kindness meditation. So, we will try out his suggestion this morning, for protection against unpleasant presences over the holidays, using the method he proposes in his book Wherever You Go There You Are (pp.164-167). Let us remember, though, that any form of meditation bears fruit mainly through repetition. And that the words are merely, as he says, “signposts pointing the way” and not the way itself.
Maybe it’s no accident that the “star in the East on Christmas morn” was in the East, since these powerful notions of loving kindness toward self and being the change we want to see come, too, from the East.
But, they are also very present in Western traditions. Remember the words of Jesus, “love thy neighbor as thyself”—not more than, not less than, but as thyself.
And Jesus learned it from the Jewish scriptures, in the Torah, where in Leviticus it says, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
So, let us begin, here with loving kindness toward ourselves. “Might you invite a sense of kindness toward yourself, an acceptance of yourself and a cherishing of yourself to arise in your own heart? It may not come easy, because if there are wounds of hurt, they linger long deep down.
Might you hold yourself as a loving parent would hold a hurt or frightened child, with a completely available and unconditional love?
Can you cultivate forgiveness of yourself, if not of others? Is it even possible to invite yourself to be happy in this moment? Is it okay for you to feel okay? Where is the basis of happiness present in this moment for you?”
Start by centering yourself in your posture and in your breathing.
Sit in the pew, legs not crossed, arms and hands relaxed.
Close your eyes or cast them downwards, as you prefer.
Breathe deeply.
Notice your breath, entering, filling your chest, then leaving as you exhale.
Again, and again.
Breathe in and out, following your breath.
If your mind wanders, bring it gently back to your breathing, in, out, in and out.
Recall to your mind a time when someone showed loving kindness to you. What did they do? What did it feel like? Hold that feeling. Let it become an awareness within you.
Recall to your mind a time when you showed loving kindness toward someone. What did you do? What did it feel like? Hold that feeling. Let it become an awareness within you.
“Then, from your heart or from your belly [or from your mind, however they come] invite feelings or images of kindness and love to radiate until they fill your whole being.”
“Allow yourself to be cradled by this awareness, as if you were as deserving of loving kindness as any child.”
“Let your awareness embody both benevolent mother energy and benevolent father energy, making available for you a recognition and an honoring of your being, and a kindness you perhaps did not receive enough of as a child.”
“Let yourself bask in this energy of loving kindness, breathing it in and breathing it out, as if it were a lifeline, long in disrepair but finally passing along a nourishment you were starving for.”
If your mind wanders from the awareness of being held by loving kindness, bring it back gently, noting to yourself where it went and understanding that your mind is unaccustomed to this effort. If necessary, bring it back to your breathing, in and out, in and out, and then again evoke and bask in the energy of loving kindness toward yourself.
Stay in that place of warmth and light, the light of love inside you, the inherent worth and dignity of you.
Say any silent blessings for yourself, if you wish. “May I be free from ignorance. May I be free from greed and ill will toward others. May I not suffer. May I be happy.” Say any silent blessings, wishings for your well-being you may wish to say.
“Now let us let the loving kindness within us radiate outwardly.”
You may hold it close for comfort or direct it wherever you like.
You might first direct it to members of your immediate family, perhaps your spouse or partner, children or siblings, or your closest friends. Hold them in the light of the love within you, the energy of loving kindness, “visualizing their essential selves, wishing them well, that they not suffer needlessly, that they come to know their true way in the world, that they may experience love and acceptance in life.”
“You can direct loving kindness toward your parents whether they are alive or dead, wishing them well, wishing that they might not feel isolated or be in pain, honoring them. If you feel capable of it and it feels healthy to you, and liberating, finding a place in your own heart to forgive them for their limitations, for their fears, and for any wrong actions and suffering they may have caused you.”
There is no need to stop loving kindness with those closest to you. You can direct loving kindness toward anybody, someone in this sanctuary, someone far away. “Toward people you know and people you don’t. It may or may not benefit them, but it will certainly benefit you by refining and extending your emotional being.”
You may direct yours wherever and whenever; it’s yours to give! “You may direct your loving kindness toward people you have a hard time with, toward those you dislike or are repulsed by, toward those who threaten you or have hurt you.”
“You may also direct your loving kindness toward whole groups of people—toward those who are oppressed, or who suffer, or whose lives are caught up in war or violence or hatred.”
Holding ourselves in the light of love and directing that loving kindness toward others connects us with others and reminds us that we are all essentially the same: we all have loved ones, hopes, and needs for shelter, food, and peace.
“You may also extend your loving kindness to the planet itself, its glories and its silent suffering…to the streams and rivers, air, oceans, the forests and plains, to plants and animals, singly or collectively.”
Now let us return to the place of loving kindness we made for ourselves a few moments ago, if indeed you have chosen to direct it elsewhere, and hold it close for strength and comfort. Dwell there for a minute. And then, as you are ready, slowly return to the motion of your breathing, in and out, in and out.
Finally, when you have followed your breath a number of times, slowly open your eyes and come back into the presence of one another.
It is often said that the holidays amplify whatever emotions are there. For those who mourn, they feel it more. For those who rejoice, they feel it more. For those who are lonely, they are more lonely. Disappointment, anticipation, anger, hope, any feeling can be amplified at Christmas… It often seems that whatever one is feeling at this darkest and coldest time of the year, the holidays of light and warmth intensify the feeling.
Remembering to love ourselves, even to use this practice of loving kindness meditation, can help us if the magnitude of our feelings is too great in the coming days. It might even change us and prepare us to receive the formerly unwelcome presence in our lives as a truly wonderful gift.
Amen.