First Parish Unitarian UniversalistComing Out and Welcome
A sermon preached by the Reverend Diane Teichert
First Parish Unitarian Universalist - Canton, MA
January 12, 2003
(Two members shared their personal coming out stories before the sermon, one by a mother whose son is gay and another by a lesbian about coming out to her mother).
Many of us now are familiar with the expression “coming out” as short-hand for “coming out of the closet.” It’s the process whereby a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender person lets his or her sexual orientation be known to family, friends, co-workers and others. Like any kind of self-awareness for any of us regardless of our sexual orientation, coming out is a life-long, evolving process.
But, I’m told that “coming out” is repeated over and over again throughout a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender person’s life as new people enter the family, friendship circles change, and as the person moves from one job to another or one neighborhood to another. For some, the first coming out is like moving from one solid state to another; there’s a before and an after. For others, I’m told, it is a gentler process of evolving into one's being.
If our culture weren’t so homophobic (meaning fearful of homosexuality) and so heterosexist (meaning giving power and privilege to heterosexuals), coming out wouldn’t be such an issue.
The two coming out stories we heard this morning were happier than some. I know of a more difficult story. It illustrates the way religion has been such a source of fear, hatred, misunderstanding and rejection of gays and lesbians. And, by contrast, it suggests that Unitarian Universalism and UU congregations today can be a transformative, life-saving force.
Tim (I’ll call him) is fifteen year and obviously bright. I found him to be very likable, sweet even, and somewhat theatrical. Meeting him for the first time, about a year ago, I was not surprised at all when he told me he was gay. Some of his body language is like what I have seen in some other gay men.
After talking with Tim a few times over several months, it seemed to me that, although his coming out story so far is not a happy one, his self-confidence, humor and general openness to life indicate that he has been well-loved by his parents and that, within the bounds of their belief system, they have provided well for his needs and encouraged his talents.
But, they are conservative Christians who believe interfaith worship sends the message that there is more than one God, and is a serious offense against the God of the Bible. They read the Bible literally, and so its many references to homosexuality as abhorrent or sinful are held to be true by them. For Tim’s parents, having a gay son whom they love must be a terribly wrenching experience for them, forcing a choice between obedience to their God and acceptance of who their son feels he is.
Tim has twice told his parents that he was gay. The first time, they provided him with a therapist. Only in middle school at the time, Tim couldn’t take the family pressure and recanted. But, then (to his credit, I feel) he couldn’t live with the dishonesty and secrecy. So Tim came out to his parents again in his freshman year in high school. He is now going to school in another state.
How very sad. First, his parents hoped Tim’s sexual identity was a disease a therapist could cure. Then, they hoped it was a product of his environment.
We Unitarian Universalists do not read the Bible, or any other religious text, literally. Rather, we understand that Biblical passages were each written within a certain historical context, not necessarily directly applicable to our own. Though we might find wisdom and guidance for the living of our lives in those passages, we read them in the light of reason and test them against our own experience.
Nevertheless, our heritage is Judeo-Christian. We Unitarian Universalists trace our roots back to the Protestant Reformation and beyond that to Jesus and then Judaism. Not knowing anything about the incredible mix of religious backgrounds and current theological perspectives among the people in these pews, anyone seeing our edifice as they drive by would think this is a church—its got a steeple and stained glass windows, after all!—and assume that we are Christians.
A gay or lesbian person driving by who assumes we are Christians and knows anything about what the Bible says about homosexuality or about the history of oppression by the church against gays, would have reason to think he or she would not be truly welcome inside our yellow doors.
Guilt by association may not be fair, but until First Parish actively dispels that message, it’s out there. As long it is out there, it is a barrier, keeping away gays and lesbians and probably even progressive straight people who don’t want to be associated with intolerance.
It’s like a high threshold for someone using a wheel chair—with difficulty and help, they could get in, but why should they have to work so hard? We truly wanted people with mobility issues here, so we put up a ramp to make it easier for them to get in. And signs to show them where to park. What good does it do to set aside a parking space for the handicapped if there is no sign that says it’s there?
I believe, likewise, that we must come out publicly with our welcome in order for gays, lesbians, bisexual and transgender people to know that welcome is truly here for them. Unlike other oppressed groups in our society, say by race or by class, the oppression of this one primarily originates in religion, so religious communities must come out and be visible with their welcome. It’s not enough for the UUA to come out like that; congregations must come out, too.
But, we ought not to promote that welcome until we know for sure it is for real. Helping congregations do the work that makes that welcome real is the purpose of the Welcoming Congregation program, in which we are currently engaged.
If you are new here, you may not know what the Welcoming Congregation program is. It’s a program offered by our Unitarian Universalist Association to its member congregations.
It’s actually two things: it’s a series of educational programs that helps a congregation deal with its misinformation and prejudices regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. And, it’s a designation that a congregation can earn by making sure that all aspects of congregational life—such as bylaws, religious education offerings, the language used and the sources drawn from in worship—all are inclusive and affirming of glbt people. Once that work is done, application can be made to the UUA and if the designation is approved, a certificate is awarded that may be prominently displayed.
At First Parish this year, our Welcoming Congregation Steering Committee is offering some of the workshops in the Welcoming Congregation educational series, such as the one I am leading a week from Tuesday on “Religion and Homosexuality,” and we are also showing several highly-acclaimed videos such as the one from PBS shown last month about the lives of retired gay people. These monthly events are free and open to the public and a copy of the schedule, and a sign up sheet, is available on the table to the right as you enter the Parish Hall. The events are also publicized in the newsletter.
Should you attend these events? Well, for myself, I think it’s difficult to not have misinformation and prejudices regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, growing up in a culture so influenced by the Bible and the teachings of the Christian church. The most liberal minded straight people have prejudices regarding gays and lesbians that come out unintentionally in off-putting statements or questions. I’ve done it myself.
[The Reverend Keith Kron, who will preaching here during my sabbatical next month, does workshops with UU congregations all over the country, helping them have conversations about being more welcoming to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and more accepting of having a glb or t minister. As much as UU’s may be far ahead of other religious groups in these regards, there’s always farther to go, he finds.
Here’s one story he tells, from one of those workshops he does:
“I would like it,” the woman began, “if the gays and lesbians who came to our church came for religious reasons and not just because it’s a good place to be gay.”
I paused for a moment, considering my options.
I was at a workshop helping a congregation…The group was about fifteen people and we were making good progress…
“It might be,” I began in response, “that being able to be completely one’s self as a bisexual, gay or lesbian person in a church would be a religious experience.” (from the UUA’s Faith In Action newsletter).]
Even the rare person lucky enough to grow up in a family in which gays and lesbians were accepted like everyone else is not immune to stereotypes. They might be based on the gays or lesbians they personally knew or they might be stereotypes picked up from the media or friends. I think most of us can benefit from the “continuing education” such as what our Welcoming Congregation steering committee is offering.
As to the second aspect of the Welcoming Congregation program, we haven’t yet done the work of earning the designation “Welcoming Congregation.” I expect and hope that we will.
There are lots of reasons to do so. There’s the altruistic one—that the work is important to do because it will help us be truly embracing of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in every aspect of First Parish life. Given the role of religion in their oppression, this is a tremendous gift. We’re offering them a spiritual home where you don’t have to check your sexual identity at the door any more than you have to, as UU’s have been declaring about themselves for years, “check your mind at the door.”
This altruism is in our self-interest, though, because the “them” is “us” and the people we love. I am sure this would be illustrated if I asked you to stand, those of you who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, as well as those whose parents, children or siblings are, plus those whose extended families, friendship circles, and work colleagues include glbt people. That would be the large majority of us. Then if all those who worship with gay people would stand, we’d all be standing! This work benefits us and the people we love and care about.
It’s also true, I believe, that this work will help us all be liberated to be more of who and what we want to be: committed to the inherent worth and dignity of all people, called to promote justice, equity and compassion in human relations, and bound by our congregational covenant to “dwell together in respect and understanding.”
Another reason is this: when we have gay or lesbian or progressive straight newcomers who are aware that Unitarian Universalism has been out there and involved on gay and lesbian concerns for thirty years, which it has, and that this Welcoming Congregation designation is available, about which some visitors are aware…when they ask and are told that, no, First Parish isn’t a designated Welcoming Congregation, might they wonder why? Might they fear that we aren’t interested in them?
[For example, recently a young white couple (heterosexual) found our website and my sermons on the internet and came to talk with me about being the minister at their wedding, an outdoor wedding in Sharon this July. Those conversations are usually a bit like an interview, but in this one they were interviewing me! They asked great questions and I enjoyed being drawn out on philosophical and religious topics that few engaged couples think to ask, in my experience. They wanted to know about my congregation, too, and the woman asked if it was a Welcoming Congregation! She, who was nominally raised Catholic though one parent is Jewish and her grandmother was a survivor of the holocaust, discovered UU-ism while she was a college student at BU and attended nearby Arlington Street Church—the first in this area to call a gay minister. She was glad to hear we are doing the education work at least.]
To date, out of 1000-plus UU congregations, there are 359 Welcoming Congregations, forty-six of them in Massachusetts including other parishes our size and in suburban towns like the ones from which First Parish draws. So, we won’t be trailblazers when we do it and we can draw comfort from the fact that it’s been a good experience for many other congregations.
Brothers and sisters, starting in 1970, Unitarian Universalism began to transform itself and the American religious scene with a prophetic ministry embracing gay, lesbian, bisexual and, later, transgender people. That year, General Assembly voted its first resolution to end discrimination against homosexuals. The next year, we published About Your Sexuality, a curriculum for youth that attempted to foster more positive attitudes toward homosexuality and bisexuality, the precursor to the updated Our Whole Lives curriculum currently underway with our 7th and 8th graders. In 1972 we published an adult curriculum affirming homosexuality and in 1973 created an Office of Gay Concerns at UUA headquarters. That was thirty years ago; much has been accomplished since.
Ours was the first to ordain and settle openly gay and lesbian ministers, and we are the first and still the only denomination to ordain and settle transgender ministers, there being two settled this past fall.
We, here at First Parish, have begun to transform ourselves and our small part of the American religious scene, creating a welcome unique in our area. This is important and prophetic ministry.
For, I truly believe that the more we come out with our welcome for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, the more and more likely it will be that they “come out” to the welcome they deserve, in communities, in families and in our pews.
So may it be, and soon!
Amen.
[the bracketed paragraphs were deleted due to time constraints]