First Parish Unitarian UniversalistAngels Along the Way
A sermon preached by Glynnis
First Parish Unitarian Universalist - Canton, MA
October 19, 2003
Introduction of the Guest Preacher and Reflection on “Angels”
--The Reverend Diane Teichert
Our guest preacher this morning is one of First Parish’s young people, Glynnis. Glynnis lives in Canton with her parents John and Peggy, two older brothers, a dog Buddy, two guinea pigs and a rabbit named Lavender Shakespeare. She is a senior at Canton High School where she has been active with the school’s literary magazine, “The Prism.”
Glynnis has been a faithful attender here at First Parish since she was two or three years old. Many of you have been her teachers in our Religious Education program. She is one of only two young people to choose to sign our Membership Book as Associate Members in the past five years, and is an active member of our High School Youth Group. She has attended several Unitarian Universalist youth conferences including a week-long program at Star Island, a UU conference center off the New Hampshire coast, this summer.
Late last spring, Glynnis asked me if she could tell her “coming out” story to the congregation, in order to help us understand how difficult it is to be young and questioning of one’s sexual identity, and to ask us to be more visible in signaling our acceptance of gay and lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth. I hesitated at first: this is a very personal thing to do in a public setting, even one as supportive as this one, even with the higher purpose that calls her to do it. Is she ready? Are we ready? I asked her to write it over the summer and told her that we would talk again in late August. Indeed, by then, much of it was written. I concluded she was ready, and that the congregation would be, too.
In her sermon, Glynnis introduces a metaphor that is not your usual Unitarian Universalist fare, not in your usual Unitarian Universalist lexicon, a word that I rarely use myself. So, I would like to close by sharing this reflection on the topic of angels by Barbara Whittaker-Johns, senior minister at First Parish in Arlington, MA.
“Love is sacred because it is the moving power of life. And angels, are, traditionally messengers of the sacred, of love. Perhaps, though angels are not so much messengers as they are messages of the sacred, messages of love… lived out in the daily routine and in the difficult balances of human life…
Well, if angels are messages of love, and love is the moving power of life, then perhaps angels are those messages we sometimes encounter that seem to be moving us toward giving or receiving greater life. Sometimes we go in search of angels, of messages, insights, a sense of connection that might fill our days with meaning and praise. Sometimes the angels come in search of us, disrupting us, asking us to stop and take stock of what we’re doing and why.
For me,” she goes on to say, “angels are thoughts; feelings; words and actions from others; serendipitous events that stand out and remain in my awareness, acquiring a beckoning glow, seeming to ask me to remember their presence, and wrestle with, or surrender to, their meaning.”
Angels Along the Way
A sermon preached by Glynnis
Today I am going to testify. To me there is nothing greater or more noble than testifying. To testify is to tell the truth. So, to tell you the truth, I'm gay.
Today I am telling you my story in hope that this congregation will do its part in making this world a little better. My story is about the community in which we live. My family is great but that's not the story I am telling today.
I always knew I was different. From a young age I knew I wasn't like all the other little girls in my class. Instead of doing anti-cooties remedies or playing jump rope, I wanted to be around my teacher. I felt a comfort in women which didn't exactly make me popular among my peers. I never had many friends in elementary school because I never felt like one of them. But I managed and didn't have many problems until I reached middle school.
Middle school ... UGH! What I wouldn't give to be able to erase those three years out of mind forever! But as I've learned, you need to go through the darkness before you can come into life itself.
I know I'm not the only one that wishes sixth grade never happened. But for me it was a year of confusion, anger and mixed emotions. It was the year I first thought I was gay.
It was '97, I was eleven years old, barely a sixth grader sitting in history class. I caught myself 'checking out' the teacher and was really taken aback. For the longest time after that, I believed if I thought hard enough about being 'straight' than I would be. Needless to say, it didn't work. I then convinced myself it was just a phase. I would grow up, meet my prince, fall hopelessly in love, get married and have the expected 2.5 children. It wasn't a phase.
I soon found myself in the midst of a Titanic frenzied world where all the girls only wanted to talk about Leonardo DiCaprio. All I wanted to talk about was Kate Winslet. But who could I talk to? No one. There was no one for me. No counselor, teacher or advisor ... no friendly stranger, no support group no friends that could understand. All my feelings were forced inside me, bottled up with nowhere to go. I felt like I was the only person in the world who felt this way.
I tried to adjust, pretending I like the latest heartthrob. I could tell you all you needed to know about Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman or the Dixie Chicks but when it came to Ben Affleck or Will Smith, they all looked the same to me. But I was convinced it was all in my head and if I just tried hard enough, I would be 'straight'.
I began to act out, not consciously, of course. When you have all those feelings inside you and you don't have the words or resources to let them out, you begin to boil. I had a horrible temper and could explode into a fit of rage or tears in a moment. I was tired all the time. I never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. I was so depressed and lost, I didn't even know who I was and I was desperate to find out.
Being raised UU is not as easy as it might seem. The only people that can really understand are people who grew up UU. It is wonderful; I know that now. You get a great sense of community. Everyone becomes a part of your family. The problem is, I never learned what it means to have faith. From birth a lot of us are told that Santa Claus comes every Christmas Eve and we believe that blindly, never having any real proof. As UUs we are told from birth that we can have faith in whatever we choose to because it is okay to believe in different things. It is even okay not to have faith in anything. But if Santa wasn't real, how could God be real? I needed faith. I became more active in this church because I felt like it was the only place I could get faith. Unfortunately, I didn't find it. But what I did find was probably the greatest gift I could have asked for.
We have had many Directors of Religious Education here since I was little. All having enriched my life in some way or another. There is one in particular, however, that will forever remain a part of me.
Her name is Gillian. She is probably the most amazing person I have ever met. In a time when I felt I was not worthy of being loved, she loved me unconditionally. It was easy to forget everything with her. She never treated me like a child and I loved her for that. She made me feel like a person. She made me feel alive. And for a while that was all I needed.
But things changed drastically halfway through seventh grade. A friend of mine passed away that year. I have never been so lost or in so much pain as I was then. I still miss her, a lot. And it is still a source of great pain. Being faced with your own mortality at twelve is like being hit by a truck. It takes you with that much force. I didn't know until that point that I could die and suddenly it was all I could think about. What happened to her? Was she okay? Where did she go? As afraid as I was, it gradually became 'do I want to die'? I realized that the pain I was in could easily go away if I wanted it to badly enough. The question then was, 'how badly do I want it to go away?'
Then in eighth grade I started having panic attacks. Bad ones. I had always been an anxious child but it intensified that year. I was extremely paranoid. I thought everyone was out to get me. If people even looked at me the wrong way I would burst into panic convinced they knew I'm gay. I was positive that people could read my thoughts. So if I even thought about girls I would yell at myself. I was constantly putting myself down. I hated being me. It got to be that I wouldn't eat breakfast or lunch so I could focus on being hungry instead of feeling what I was feeling.
I decided I needed to tell someone what was going on inside of me. She was a teacher, who I loved dearly. The conversation went something like this:
"I think ... I might be ... kinda ... gay."
"Oh, honey, no you're not."
And that was the end of it.
I later realized that the Canton middle school teachers never had sensitivity training on gay/lesbian/bisexual issues. It still hurt. She was the only person I trusted. She knew everything else about me and never judged. What made this different? The only conclusion that I could come to was that I must be some sort of freak. This 'gay' thing must be more horrible than I thought.
Then I met Kristine. Actually, we had known each other for a very long time but we never really 'met' until eighth grade. Kris ... she was so cool. She knew all the latest trends, read all the coolest books and magazines and knew everything about everything. I adored her. We spent more and more time together. But she was mine, just mine ... my secret. Something that was just for me.
Things were intense between us. But I was so naive I thought it was all perfectly natural and casual. Boy, was I wrong. I couldn't stand being away from her. I thought about her all the time. But still, I wanted to believe it was casual and I truly did up until a few days before eighth grade graduation.
I was at Kris' house. We had decided to stay in even though it was beautiful out. We were in her room, ironically talking about boys, when she kissed me. That kiss was possibly the greatest thing that ever happened to me. A moment that you want to put in a box and save forever. For at that moment I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. All the anxiety and frustration toward the world that had been building up for years was gone. I was happy for the first time in a long while.
Kissing put a strain on our relationship, things got weird. We didn't know what to say to each other or how to act. We haven't talked much since.
Kristine was such an important part of my life and I had no one to share it with. During the summer between eighth and ninth grade, one of my best friends, Kim, unknowingly made things worse.
We had gotten hooked on a TV show called 'Will & Grace'. She was telling me how she would love to have a gay roommate like Will or Jack. But that she would never feel comfortable living with a lesbian. I had to catch myself from falling. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. There I was, fourteen, positive I'm gay and my best friend, the friend who had been planning to live with me since we were five, is basically saying that she could never live with me. We were supposed to grow old together, these two old biddies with a ton of cats.
I entered high school thoroughly depressed. No one, NO ONE was there for me. In this heterosexist world we live in, the only images of gay people we get are horribly stereotyped. I was starving for something, anything that would show me that I am okay.
My prayers were answered. In ninth grade an angel was sent to me. This particular angel was sent to me in the form of an incredible English teacher, Ms. Hays. Oh, she was amazing! She was so nice to me and even better, she shared the same passion for books. I loved talking to her. She knew everything. And the best part? ... there was a rumor that she was gay. You have no idea what this meant to me. Here was a normal, smart, amazingly astounding woman, who did not, as I had come to believe, look like a lesbian, dress like a lesbian or even act like a lesbian. She was what I was looking for! The positive image I needed.
There is an amazing advantage to being in high school; there is a club for everything. They have multicultural clubs, French clubs, book clubs, recycling clubs and there are even flag squads when there are no marching bands. But most importantly for me, high school has a gay/straight alliance. But could I get enough courage to ever go? It sounds rather ridiculous to me now, but I was afraid of going. What if they asked me if I was gay? Would I be able to tell them? Would people assume I'm gay just because I go to a meeting?
A friend I had made that year was gay. He was so open about it, it made me nervous. I couldn't understand how he was so comfortable with himself. I never told him about me, but he knew somehow. One day sitting in Latin class he turned to me and said, "You like her, don't you?" He motioned his head to a girl sitting in front of us. It's true I had been watching her but I had no idea it had been obvious. His question took me by such surprise, I only managed to utter a few vowel sounds. He just nodded his head and went back to his work.
I was so shocked by him, it was all I could think about. If he knew, that must mean I am so obviously gay, everyone must know. A few weeks later I finally got the courage to confront him about it. I asked him how he knew I liked that girl. He just shook his head and told me he wanted to take me somewhere.
I soon found myself terrified at my first gay/straight alliance meeting. It was not at all what I had imagined. It was just a small group of kids, mostly girls, talking about life and school. I didn't tell them I'm gay and they didn't ask. It was weird because among all these allies, I still felt alone. But, overall, ninth grade was the best year of my life. I left with more confidence in myself.
Even though I had never told my angel Ms. Hays that I'm gay, I always felt that she knew. And it was okay to talk to her about gay issues, when I couldn't talk about them with my friends. Because there was no one to talk to the summer between ninth and tenth grade, I buried myself in books.
Then came my second angel. Though only two years earlier she told me she could never live with a lesbian, Kim came out to me that summer. And though I would never wish the pain I was going through on anyone else, I had never been so happy. But, the fear of being rejected by her because of the comment she had made earlier, made me choose not to come out to her then. Instead I waited until I could no longer hold it in anymore. One night, I just broke down crying and told her everything. I told her about my fear of people finding out, about how sometimes I think seriously about killing myself, about Kristine and about trying to find a place where I belonged. Kim and I were always close, but we became inseparable that summer. We were each other's lifeline, lifting each other up when things became unbearable.
I entered tenth grade with even more confidence than when I left ninth. Things, for about a month, were okay. But as I started to fall back into the comfort of a constant schedule, my mind also fell back into a familiar pattern. Do people know I'm gay? Are my feelings written all over my face?
I found it extremely difficult to concentrate. My mind was always somewhere else and my grades suffered because of it. I even started taking yoga classes hoping that it would help me balance my mind.
I tried to ignore my feelings. I tried to ignore the thoughts that were constantly running through my head. What I didn't realize is that silence is the enemy. Silence was why I was in so much pain. I did the only thing I could think of, I talked to Ms. Hays. Of course, by then, I talked to her openly about being gay. She suggested I tell some people. Perhaps that would get my mind off things. So that's what I did. I took my two best friends, Kristen and Sam, to a pizza place and told them. You know what? They didn't care. They loved me for me. Didn't matter if I was gay or straight. It was an eye-opening moment. It gave me freedom. Suddenly, I found my way to fly.
Around my sixteenth birthday I met my soul mate. There are no words that can accurately describe him. He is so flamboyant yet extremely closeted at the same time. He is gay and his family doesn't support him. He is incredibly resilient though. His spirits were always high. He showed me how to live, to just let loose and have fun. He also showed me how easy I had it. I could have a family that thinks homosexuality is disgusting. I could have been sent to 'get straight' camps. I could even have been sent to therapy to be 'de-gayed'. But I wasn't. Incredibly, through it all, he kept a smile on his face.
I still had one problem; I hated myself. No matter what I did, who I talked to, I just couldn't love me for me. The me I wanted to be could never possibly exist. I resented that. I felt beneath everyone. Like somehow, everyone else is better than me because they're straight. Then I met my third angel, Heidi.
I have no idea how, but Heidi pulled everything together. Until I met her, I didn't think it was possible for straight people to understand me. I figured they just couldn't get it. I was wrong. Suddenly, she made it clear that all the feelings I was feeling were normal. Everyone feels them. It is okay to be mad at yourself, it is okay to not like yourself sometimes. You just have to figure out who you are. And it's because of Heidi that I can stand up here today and tell you my story.
By now you're probably wondering what the point of this is. My life was difficult and painful when it didn't have to be. The story I told you today was watered down. I know some of you think that becoming a welcoming congregation and hanging that rainbow flag is pointless and that we don't need it. Well, tell that to the children in this community that are questioning their sexuality and are starving for positive images and symbols.
I've done a lot of things I regret. Things I wouldn't have done if there had just been a place where I could have gone and felt accepted. I might not have come out in this church but at least I would have known it was there. I realize now that what I was looking for in this church was not faith, but acceptance. That's all I've ever wanted and by saying that we don't need that rainbow symbol is like telling me I don't belong here. It's not just me, I know there are other children going through this and they shouldn't have to do it alone. We need to show them and this community that we welcome gay people Because not everybody encounters angels along the way.
Benediction
The road of life is uneven,
Never straight.
We make our journey,
Step by step
Leap by leap
Groping, crawling, stalling.
Skipping, pacing, racing.
May each of us see the needed signs,
And encounter angels along our way.
And,
may we be the ones to post the signs,
And be the angels others need
As they find their paths today.
--Diane Teichert